Who Am I

Updated: Jan 19, 2021


As a child I spent many summers at the lake. As one of many children, we could hardly wait for May long weekend to arrive. For it represented a soon to be time, whereby the closing of schools would unleash a world of freedom, exploration and soul searching. It was a transitional period, of entering a world that belonged only to you and your thoughts. A moment in a lifetime not hindered by rules, classroom expectations or the demands of others. Where the restrictions of specific clothing and footwear were cast aside, and the heat of the sun hugged you continually. For me, even as a child, the beach was my place of haven. It was a representation of my relationship with my heavenly Father. Accepting, unconditional, loved, understood and comforting. It was my inlet, my sanctuary where all my world was right. One place where I could talk to God and know that He heard everything I asked, everything I whispered and everything I cried. My place where I knew He ingrained my secrets upon His heart, forever promising to always hold me, to always love me.


As I grew older and life became more complex with expectations and unforeseen circumstances, I continually sought out my sanctuary. Requiring, needing assurance from my heavenly Father that He could still hear my whispers in the night and read the desires written upon my heart. Every time I looked to Him or called out His name, He reassured me He was there.


I recall one of many times that I walked the beach with Him. It was a cooler day, cloudy and somewhat misty. The number of individuals walking about were minimal and it was evident they weren’t there for a stroll as they hustled past. Leaving me physically alone to endure the coolness of the waves air, as they hit continually along the beaches bank. As we walked along the beach, regardless of the weather, my feet were bare, and I kicked the sand with each step I took. With great patience He walked beside me. Not saying anything. Not demanding for me to hurray as it was rather a dismal day for a walk. He just continued to walk with me. He was keeping His promise to always be there with me. Time alluded my senses before I realized that the sun was setting on the far-off horizon, and yet He remained at my side. Silently waiting, for when I was ready.


Taking a deep breath, I began to talk with my heavenly Father. Sharing how within myself I felt so displaced, somewhat rather disconnected. I shared how I believed I wasn’t like the others. That I didn’t fit in. That the desires and direction of my heart were not like theirs. Not that theirs weren’t right for them, they just weren’t right for me. That I felt as if it were a constant struggle just to get through each day and that I felt so alone, so isolated. That I was unsure of me! Unsure of who I am, who I really am. That I didn’t believe I was even capable of being like anybody. Not that there was anything wrong with everyone else or me, it was, I was a round peg trying to be pushed through a square hole and that it wasn’t very comforting let alone purposeful. Through my frustration I felt like I was five years old, about to have a melt-down. That’s when He started to laugh. He stood there and laughed and laughed and laughed. His laughter overflowed with so much love that it encased me, right there on the beach, as if I were in a cocoon. It was warm, protective, soothing, comforting and accepting. He then began to talk as He continued embracing me.


He tells me that I, as all others, are like the grains of sand upon this beach. Each one is different. That there is not one that is similar in any way. (Psalm 139:14) That it is not possible. That, each one has a purpose, a designated journey since their beginning. That each one’s journey is personalized and unique. Thought of and created by the hand of God our creator. That each grain of sand was formed into the exact image that He wanted and desired. That there is no replication anywhere within the heavens or on earth. He then began to discuss in great length to the identity of each grain of sand. To the why’s of their size, coarseness, color and purpose. He elaborated how each grain of sand was just as equal to the other grains and just as valued. Even though some may believe, that, they too are like round pegs trying to fit into square holes.

He then spoke about how change, erosion and growth, affect each particle of sand, altering the dynamics to what the eyes behold. Yet, each particle remains perfectly and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) by God. He then continued to elaborate how everything created has incorporated DNA of God within, for all things are created by God, for God. (Colossians 1:16) That, just like each grain of sand upon this beach, He created me, in His likeness (Genesis 1:26-27) and that is how I need to see myself. That He created me exactly how He wanted me to be. From my appearance, to life’s encounters, to the desires that He placed within my heart that solely belong to me and no other. To every thought I have, to my chosen destiny in Him and to my loving relationship with Him, my Heavenly Father. As He maintains embracing me, I am affected by how infinite His love is for me as it floods my very being. Together, He continues to remind me that deep within, I do know to whom I belong. That I do know His purposes for me. Not unlike that of all His creation. (Ephesians 1:4) That at times the enemy will cloud my vision, attack me when I have succumbed to believe I am weak, trying all within his control to destroy and disrupt the life my heavenly Father has given me. That the enemy will rise to battle with a greater vengeance each time I step closer and closer to God.


That change is inevitable, no different than the partials of sand that are continually changing due to the dynamics of nature around them. That change takes time, persistence and effort. It doesn’t happen instantaneously. It’s an unfolding journey, which at times is not always comfortable, especially when I am becoming more and more closer to Him and like Him. (Ephesians 4:21-24) That nowhere is it written, or did He promise, that as I chose to follow Him, would it be easy. Rather, just the opposite. That to emerge into the child of God that He has called me to be, is a challenge and a blessing. It is a transition of unknowns and blinding faith. It is trusting so deeply in His love for me that without Him there is no life. It is a time of becoming, a period of new beginnings. It is learning how to stand beside my Father as He roars as the Lion of Judah and rightfully claim my position as His daughter. (2 Corinthians 6:18)


Cynthia

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